


I never know what to expect from him

by fanfics_await_you



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cute, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, there is angst but it will be good promise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-19 05:17:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22005787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfics_await_you/pseuds/fanfics_await_you
Summary: Poe Dameron is your friend, your fellow resistance fighter, but most of all he's a goddamn pain in your ass. And yeah, maybe you're falling for him and well yes, it seems like he's falling for you too, but now REALLY isn't the time.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Original Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	1. Oh.

**Author's Note:**

> It's been awhile, sorry! Yes, I just saw ROS, had to do something for POE! I have classes so idk when the next update will be lol
> 
> Inspired by two post by @polkanote and @andhumanslovedstories on tumblr.

I never know what to expect from him. I mean, what can you expect from a man like Poe Dameron?

Consistency? Never.

Wit? Always at the worst times.

Patience? Who am I kidding.

Another explosion goes off behind us and I stumble for a moment on my injured leg. Almost instantly, an arm is around my shoulders, guiding me. I flash Poe a look but all he does is grin.

“What? You thought I was gonna leave my favourite girl?”

I shake my head at him but just keeping run as the earth continues to shake.

So maybe there is one thing that you can always count on with Poe; the one thing beneath all the layers of ego and hotheadedness and never-ending flirting that keeps me working with him.

Poe will never, _ever_ leave a friend behind.

\---

“Next time you do that, Dameron, I would appreciate a warning. Even better, next time don’t use an entire canister of blaster gel and bring down the mountain while we’re still under it!”

Poe stops his work for just a moment to flaunt his signature smile, but I roll my eyes and try to ignore the way my heart skips a beat.

“Look Kess, one day you will finally admit that I just have a natural talent for these things, and you’ll thank me for the unique honour that is working by my side. Now, stop moving while I try to patch up your le-Ow! What was that for?!”

I wind up for another punch and his hands raise in self-defence.

“It’s really funny how you can talk about my leg that was injured in an explosion and how good you are making things explode in the same sentence. I have no idea why I didn’t laugh.”

“I’m sorry, Kess.”

I lean my head back against the ship hull. “I’m sure I’ll pay you back for it.”

I don’t really hold it against him, accidents happen (this is a war, after all). Anyway, this is our thing, this repartee and back-and-forth, it’s who we are. This is what we’re famous for; well, this and blowing up a Star Destroyer with a rigged pleasure cruiser (Don’t ask, it’s a long story.)

“No Kess, I really am sorry,” Poe’s tone is serious.

I really don’t want him to feel guilty, so I shrug and try to play it off. “Don’t worry about it, what’s one new scar to a hundred old ones.”

A moment passes, then a warm hand touches my chin and gently guides it downwards. My eyes come to rest on Poe, his face uncharacteristically sober and tinged by guilt. The warmth of his fingers remain on my face and they coil tendrils of tenderness beneath my skin.

“I would never intentionally put you in harm’s way.”

“Poe, I kno-“

“ **Never**. I was reckless today-“

“It’s fine! Wh-“

“I should’ve been more careful, you could have been seriously hurt-“

“What’s got into you?” I finally cut him off as I take his hand into mine. “Poe, stuff like this is an occupational hazard. Don’t go beating yourself up because you can’t do the precise calculations for blaster gel quantities while running from troopers. I really am sorry if you thought I was actually blaming you…I was kidding, I’m sorry.”

I grasp his hand tightly, hoping he understands. Poe shifts his hand so that our fingers become intertwined.

He takes a second before speaking, “I know, Kess. It’s just…you were right…You’re always right, you know.”

Poe smiles a little, but his mouth is still tight with tension. Without thinking, I place my free hand against his smooth and surprisingly warm cheek. Ever-so-slightly, Poe leans into it without taking his eyes from my face.

I smile as best I can despite the growing tension I feel in the air, “Of course I’m right, I’m always right: you know that. So when I say you’re not allowed to beat yourself up over this, you’re not.”

The grin finally reaches Poe’s eyes, just a little. “I know, it’s just that…”

He trails off only to take both my hands into his. Poe stares at our interwoven fingers and gently clasps them together so my palms are pressed together between his in silent prayer. We’re so close now that I can see the flashes of deep amber that hide in the depths of his brown eyes. There is something Poe wants to say, something that is weighing him down; I can see it in the nervous biting of his lip that I can’t tear my eyes away from. The tension is oppressive now and I’m about to ask to say something, _anything_ , when he finally draws breath to speak.

“Kessandra,” he says my full name delicately, like it might break if he speaks too loudly, “I- there’s something…I- I-“

He cuts off by the loud beep signifying the end of our lightspeed journey. We both jump. The fertile green atmosphere of Ajan Kloss crystallises before us. The comms have started up again, rambling on about landing codes and permissions.

“I should,” Poe takes a deep breath, “I should bring us down.”

The moment is well and truly over. He doesn’t move for a moment, he just resumes staring down at our enfolded hands. I find that I don’t want Poe to let go; he does anyway.

As he guides us into orbit, the ghost of his touch continues to linger on my hands and a heavy feeling settles in my heart.

* * *

If there’s one thing that Resistance fighters know how to do (besides kick fascist ass), it’s how to throw a damn good party. Add in the fact that one of the engineers figured out how to make moonshine out of local tree sap (it took a lot of ugly trial and error), and a good time is basically guaranteed. Also, (not that any of us would say it), knowing that any night might be your last makes letting go and having fun just that little bit easier.

The sound of a Kitonak guitar drifts on the wind and my head is warm with the buzz of liquor. Everyone is dancing and laughing, and it is a glorious sight to see. These last couple months have been tough, even tougher than usual, and it’s so good to see people just enjoying a second of peace.

“What are you doing all the way over here?” Poe’s voice is barely audible over the noise of the party.

I don’t look at him but just smile to myself, “I was taking a second to enjoy the evening.”

“May I join you?”

I laugh. “Since when have you needed my permission to do something?”

“You’re right but it never hurts to ask, you know.”

Before I can respond, Poe is right by my side. He too leans up against the wall, and then bumps his arm against mine. Instead of returning the gesture, I gently rest my head against his shoulder and continue to look out upon the people dancing. A moment passes before the weight of his arm curls around my waist. I allow myself to enjoy this moment, and don’t even stop myself when my imagination begins to stir as to what this moment could be if things were different…Just an ordinary party on a ordinary night in the arms of a more than extraordinary man…

“What you thinkin’ about Kess?”

I push all the _what if’s_ back to the pit of my stomach as I struggle to think of a lie, “Oh you know, the usual.”

Poe chuckles softly and it resonates into my side. The sound is deep and low, and causes my heart to skip a beat.

“I know you, and you are anything but ‘usual’. What’s on your mind?”

It’s probably the alcohol but I just want to tell him. I want to tell him **everything**. I just want to shout it all to the summer sky, that _I’m thinking about you, Poe, and it seems like all I do is think about you these days! I’m falling for you, but you won’t ever look at me that way. The thought of never seeing you again is enough to make me cry. The knowledge that one day I will lose you to someone else breaks my heart._ I don’t say any of this, however.

“The future. What I’ll do when this is all over.” It’s not exactly a lie but it still feels wrong.

“Have you got big plans? Intergalactic pod-racer? Smuggler? Chancellor of the New Republic?”

This time, I laugh with him and gently shake my head against Poe’s shoulder.

“Nothing as exciting as that. I think if I survive this, that will be enough for me. I’ll go find a quiet, green planet in a remote part of the system and fix up old ships. Anyway, it’s not like the Resistance is going to need a ton of pilots when there’s no more fighter jets send out. Nah, peace’ll be enough for me, I reckon.”

It’s the truth. After years with my neck on line and waiting for countless friends who never come back home, being alive will be enough. Waking up every morning knowing that the people I care about are safe? That’ll do for me.

“That sounds like a damn good plan, Kess,” there is a touch of longing to his voice.

I hum in agreement and close my eyes. For a while, I just enjoy the music and the feeling of Poe’s arm around my waist.

“There’s no ‘if’ though, Kess. You’ve gotta survive this one.”

I laugh but don’t open my eyes. “I’m trying my absolute hardest, promise.”

His response is softly spoken, “No, you **have** to, Kess. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

I freeze up for a second out of surprise, but Poe speaks again before I can respond.

“I mean, uh- How am I meant to figure out what to do after all this without your voice of reason to guide me?” His joking tone has returned, but it sounds forced.

Before I can think, I’m speaking, “You could just come with me.”

My eyes fly open. The words hang in the air without a response and I feel like a fool. _Oh, you absolute idiot, that’s not what he meant. Motherfu-_

“Yeah?”

Poe’s voice is heavy with emotion and cracks slightly under it. Confused, I turn to look Poe in the eye to find him already gazing back at me. _In the name of the Maker, our faces are so close._ There is something in his expression that I can’t read but it still tells in every line of his face. _What…_

“I could come with you?”

I want to yell out _**yes, of course, I’m begging you**_ but all I do is silently nod.

_I don’t understand why Poe is acting like this? Is he drunk? Has there been bad news? What-_

“Because I would follow you anywhere, if you’d let me.”

Oh?

Oh.

_Oh._


	2. I understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there are literally overlapping themes/lines with the last thing I wrote but I will not apologise. I write what I write lol. I also thought of the quote from the Christmas movie in here when it was Christmas time, so it’s fine.
> 
> Also, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen the movie now so if anything’s wrong sorry, I’m going off memory. I genuinely cannot remember like anything about the general fleet after the lightning happened?

_I would follow you anywhere…_

The noise of the party continues to pound in my ears like a drumbeat. I don’t move. A moment passes, and then another. I try to find the words to describe the flurry that is going on in my mind. Poe saves me the trouble.

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

I can’t take my eyes from his face. Poe’s expression is tight with tension and his eyes are troubled.

He speaks again, “I shouldn’t-I shouldn’t have put you in this position, I’m-I’m sorry.”

My mind finally catches up to the situation as he pulls away from my touch. The absence of Poe’s warmth at my side spurs me to action. As he takes a step away, my hand darts out to grab his arm. As Poe turns around, my hand slides down his forearm until our fingers are touching.

“Poe, I don’t understand.”

“I know, I shouldn’-“

“No, I don’t understand why you’re leaving.”

I intertwine our fingers and then use my grip to pull him closer. Poe’s face is conflicted, but he doesn’t fight me.

The words come out as a whisper, “I never said that you couldn’t come with me.”

His breath catches slightly before Poe turns away and pulls his hand from mine to distractedly push his hair away from his face. His rejection stings but I don’t let it stop me; for once, when it comes to Poe, I am feeling brave. I step towards him so that we’re almost touching and place my hand in the middle of Poe’s chest. He looks at me in surprise and then down at my hand. I can feel the quick _thump-thump_ of his heart beneath my fingers and all I want to do is sink into his warmth.

“Poe.” He doesn’t meet my eyes.

I speak again, “ _Poe_.”

His gaze finally finds mine, and everything that I’ve been dying to tell him tumbles out in the form of a single, breathy sentence.

“Poe, I never said that I didn’t want follow you too.”

He closes his eyes for a moment, like he’s fortifying himself, before gently taking my hand from its place on his chest. Then, steadily like he might startle me, Poe adjusts it so that my palm faces the ground. He raises my hand upwards and places my knuckles against his mouth for a moment.

He murmurs against my fingers, “Kess, it’s not that I don’t want this.”

Slowly, always slowly, Poe cradles my hand against his chest.

He speaks softly, “In fact, all I want to do most days is grab you and get on the next freighter out of here…The thought of you being mine but getting hurt anyway- I- I-” He trails off.

I can almost sense what he’s about to say next before he even starts speaking; mainly because the same thought is playing in my head.

“And that’s exactly why this can’t happen. I can’t give myself the choice between you and the Resistance.”

With a quiet exhale, he lets go of my hand.

“Because if I’m honest…I need to be here but I’m always going to want to choose you.”

I want to fight him. I want to say he’s wrong. I want to be selfish and demand that he stays right here in front of me. Most of all, I want to say _fuck the Resistance if it means that I lose you_. But that’s exactly it, that’s the problem. What’s more, I gave up the right to be selfish the day I signed my name on the dotted line and became a soldier. So, I say the only thing that there’s really left to say; the one thing that my thumping heart is telling me not to do.

“I understand.”

Poe closes his eyes and nods slightly, like he’s in pain.

“But I just need to you to know one thing.”

He opens his eyes and for a second, I can’t say it because it feels too much like goodbye. I want to forget my responsibilities and just want to drown in the warmth of his eyes and mouth and hands and-

“Given the chance, I’d follow you to the end of the universe and back ten times over,” my tone is steady despite the fact that I feel lost at sea.

Poe’s sad smile is like a stab to the stomach, but I force myself to keep my hands at my side as much as I want to pull him closer.

“We can’t do this again, can we…I don’t think that I’d be able to resist your charms twice,” his tone attempts to be playful but just sounds ragged.

Poe’s gaze doesn’t leave my face as he takes one small step backwards, and then another. Every step feels like another mile between us that I don’t think we’re ever going to be able to cross. I want to say _but I can’t lose you completely,_ that _some days the thought of your smile is the only thing that keeps me going_.

As if he can hear me, Poe throws one last line over his shoulder with a soft chuckle as he turns away, “Call it self-preservation.”

I only find something to say once his figure has melted back into the party that I had all but forgotten. It doesn’t mean anything now that he’s gone, but I say it anyway.

“Goodbye, Poe. Maybe in a better life.”

* * *

“I’m hit! I repeat, Black Eight is hit! One wing is compromised. I am losing altitude!”

Radio silence is all that responds.

Forks of lightning are everywhere, and the world feels wrong; this choking, paralytic intensity is clawing its way through my chest. I’m battling the controls but it’s useless. A laser cannon blast tore through my left wing not a minute ago, causing me to dive, and these unnatural bolts of lightning have robbed me of any remaining ability to steer. The ground is getting closer and closer and the goddamn parachute is increasingly seeming like the only option left. I’ll be a great big target for First Order guns, and I have a better chance of being hit by an errant X-wing than hitting the ground, but what’s my choice? Definitely burning to a crisp in this earth-bound hunk of metal or only maybe being shot to pieces? I’ll take a small chance over none any day.

I try the comms again, “Can anyone hear me? Black Eight has lost control and is diving! I’m going to bail!”

Again, only silence.

All Resistance ships are dropping, but thanks to my damaged wing the black earth is coming up on me fast. _Fuck, I have to go now or I’m gonna be hitting the ground hard either way._

“I don’t know if anyone can hear me but I’m bailing. Any assistance is welcome!”

…

I’m alone.

“Fuck!”

With that, I pull on the oxy mask and pull the eject lever. I’m violently thrown from my fighter and the world spins beyond my control as the chute struggles to open. My sight alternates feverishly fast between streaks of purple light and black earth, and all I can hear the screaming rush of the air around me.

_Why isn’t my goddamn shoot opening?!?_

Then suddenly the light stops and my sight is swallowed by black.

* * *

The lightning suddenly disappears, and I wrestle back control of my X-wing.

“What the hell was that?!? Command, what’s the situation?! Black Squadron, report!”

Quickly, a few names (heart-sickeningly too few) sound off but there is one particular absence that stops my heart.

“Anyone got eyes on Kess?”

It’s Jess who responds finally responds, her tone tight, “Poe…her fighter took damage before the lightning…it didn’t look good.”

In an instant, I can’t breathe. This cockpit is too constricting as I desperately try to spot her X-wing in this mess of a battlefield. The general in me continues barking out orders and the pilot keeps shooting down Final Order freighters, but the simple man in me is distraught. My eyes keep darting from ship to ship, trying to spot her. It’s only when I dive steeply to avoid the debris of a freighter do I finally see Kess’s ship. The flicker of relief in seeing her airborne is quickly swallowed by dismay as I notice how quickly she’s plummeting. Automatically, I push my controls in a deep dive towards her.

“KESS!”

The two-way channel just hisses a static that sets my nerves on fire.

“Kessandra! Kess, answer me!”

It’s like I’m watching in slow-motion as the scene unfolds: I’m gaining speed on her, thinking maybe I can help or do **something** when suddenly there’s a massive explosion in the nose of her fighter. Within a moment, the entire X-wing has blown apart and is raining debris on a fleet of grounded ships. My world has gone absolutely silent but I can feel Kess’s name ripping out my throat. It burns with all the things I never told her and now will never have the chance. I repeatedly beat the console in front of me and beg someone to help her, to help me, but there’s no one who can change things and now there’s nothing left to do. _She’s gone, she’s gone, oh Maker she’s dead._ I vaguely hear someone through the comms, but their words are hazy and I can’t understand them. For a second, all I want to do is let go, to plummet downwards to stop the heavy ache in my chest that is threatening to consume me. Then through all the grief, the blazing and white-hot fury of everything that I have lost sweeps over me like a tsunami. I clench my hands around my controls and fly back into the battle. I steel my voice despite the tears streaming down my cheeks.

“Let’s burn these fuckers to the ground!”


	3. Is he safe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took so long, i'm bad at this lol. also I get the fleet is stretch but idc my dudes. Also, you KNOW that poe is a dramatic bitch, like plz. and yes, another part is coming.

Everything is black; the sky, the parachute above me, and the earth beneath that’s threatening to swallow me as I draw closer and closer. My downward climb has started to slow, and I pull at the strings to try and control my landing. I spy a fleet of grounded enemy fighters and angle towards them. The lightning’s gone but I still feel an awful ghost of the choking sensation.

_I’m almost on the ground, just a little more, c’mon-_

**_BOOM!_ **

I hear a deafening explosion from above me just before its tumultuous heat and force hits me as a wall. It sends me flying down for the last few metres of my descent.

\--

I’m not sure if I blacked out at all but _holy shit_ did that fall hurt. My head’s bleeding and some ribs are definitely cracked but I’m alive.

_Now I’ve just got to keep it that way._

I roll over onto my back and stare up at the night sky; it is almost completely blotted out by ships.

_I don’t remember there being that many s- wait…_

Despite myself and the pain in my chest, I can’t help but raise my fist in the air and shout, “They came! The Resistance came!”

The sky is filled to every corner with Resistance ships of every size and standard and colour, and it is a sight I’ll never forget. This spark of hope gives me the strength to clamber to my feet and start towards the fighters.

\--

I’m climbing into the nearest fighter when the terrible screech of tearing metal freezes me in my tracks. I look up to see a First Order Star Destroyer swiftly plunge into the earth, and seconds later a powerful shockwave almost knocks me to the ground. My head is still painfully ringing and for a second, I can’t move. Then the moment passes, and it subsides. I scan the fight above and see more Destroyers are falling to the guns of our fleet.

While this brings me great joy, it also means that I am running out of time. I scramble up into the cockpit and start the engine.

More and more Star Destroyers are crashing into the black earth, sending up dust that clouds my vision and setting off earthquakes that shake the entire ship. Just as I get the fighter to hover off the ground, I’m cloaked in shadow. I don’t want to look up, already knowing what’s coming, but I can’t help it. A massive Destroyer is hurtling towards me and I need to move _now_. I push the throttle and shoot forwards. Right now, I’m not so concerned with _up_ so much as with _surviving_.

\--

I’m transmitting my call sign on every frequency, but it seems Resistance fighters aren’t willing to look past the insignia of the side of my ship. I sharply ascend to avoid a crashing Destroyer only to be met by friendly fire. As much as I want to stick around to see this battle through, I need to get out of here before I’m shot down by my own side. The rapid turns and evasions are also making me feel like my head is going to explode.

As I fly, I try to spot Poe’s X-wing but there is too much chaos. _You better still be airborne, Poe Dameron. I still have a lot to say to you, asshole._

Suddenly, I see a patch of clear sky and gun the engine while still trying to shake the Resistance X-wing on my tail. I break through the atmosphere and start punching in the coordinates for Ajan Kloss. Thankfully, the X-wing quickly returns to battle, evidently more concerned with the remaining Star Destroyers than a sole First Order deserter. The static ringing of unconsciousness is resonating around my head, calling me to let go, but I can’t stop, not yet.

_If I pass out here, my own friends will shoot me out of the sky._

I enter the last number and start the jump to lightspeed. The kaleidoscope of lights has barely begun before I finally slip into the black.

\--

“I repeat, unregistered fighter, do not enter atmosphere or you will be shot down!”

_Why…Why would I be shot down?...Who’s shooting me?..._

“First Order TIE Fighter, if you enter Ajan Kloss airspace, you will be shot down!”

_Wait…First Order…Shit!_

“Wait! This is X-wing pilot Kessandra James, call sign Black Eight. My X-wing was shot down over Exegol. Please don’t shoot me.” The words are slightly slurred.

“Kessandra? I- Ok, I’m going to need confirmation. What’s your pilot code?”

_I… I can’t remember._

“I- Uh- 178...4…9? I’m going to be honest with you, I think I have a concussion and I can’t remember. Please don’t shoot.”

“Crap, ok...Well- that’s close, um- you can land but- you step out of line and we will take you down.”

“Duly noted, sir, and sorry if I screw up the landing.”

The time between being in orbit and landing on the Ajan Kloss runway passes in a colourful blur. I do land alright (how exactly, I’m really not sure) and flick open the hatch before even killing the engine. Eventually, the drive does fall silent and I’m thankful for the lull. Maker, I’m so tired.

“Kessandra!” The voice is very distant and indistinct.

“Kessandra James, call sign Black Eight… Are the other pilots back?” I just can’t keep my eyes open.

“Kess, you’re hurt!”

“Where is Poe? Is he safe?”

Someone is speaking but I can’t understand them. _I’m home. But where’s Poe? He better be alright. I don’t know what to do if he’s not._

“Poe…Where’s Poe?” I close my eyes and sink into the awaiting darkness.

* * *

The homecoming to Ajan Kloss is bittersweet. The First Order is dead but what we lost…I don’t know if I can bear it. I’m so thankful for Finn beside me; I let him take all questions and congratulations while I silently nod and attempt to smile. Normally, I can act like the others; celebrate the living now and ask forgiveness from the dead later. But Kess is gone and I’m not sure how much meaning there is left in the universe without her.

_What’s the point of surviving the war if home’s nothing but ashes?_

When I see Rey amongst the crowd, bloodied but very much alive, for a second everything’s ok. Finn and I sprint towards her and we envelope each other. Amidst the chaos, we stay that way for a little while, just holding each other tightly.

“I’m so sorry, Poe,” Rey’s voice is grief-stricken.

I pull away to look Rey in the face. There are tears streaming down her face and for a second, I can’t say it. I can’t say the words and make it true.

“First Leia and now- I was so close and then she just-“ I crack.

I can’t bear to look at either of them as the tears start, “What am I supposed to do?! Kess- She- She’s dead!”

As I drop to my knees and feel the grief sink into my chest, Rey and Finn follow me and hold me close while I weep for what I’ve lost.

\--

It turns out that being alone is worse. I can hear the voices of those who will never return from Exegol and the gentle memories feel like accusations of guilt. But loudest of them all, the one that echoes off the walls of my empty room, is Kess’ laugh. It always made me smile but now it’s just causes my chest to ache.

I can’t bear the quiet. “I told you that you had to survive, Kess…Now I don’t know what to do without you.”

The silence offers no answer. It feels like a condemning witness, reminding me that this is inevitable, that I will always end up alone. Numbly, I turn on the music player to break the still. The opening strings of a waltz begins, and a memory rises without warning.

\--

_“I told you that I can’t dance, Poe.” Kess seems slightly shy about the fact._

_Her hair is loose around her shoulders for once and she looks glorious. I catch myself reaching up touch it and instead offer my hand._

_“That’s just because you never had an excellent teacher like myself.”_

_Kess rolls her eyes. “One day that ego is going to bite you the ass, you know that?”_

_My tone is honey sweet, “That’s why I keep you around to keep me in check, my dear Kess,”_

_She huffs in faux annoyance but steps forward to take my hand anyway. The warmth of her hand is intoxicating, and I draw her closer automatically. As we gently bump into each other, Kess raises a curious eyebrow and I’m lost in her eyes for a moment. She squeezes my hand, and I’m back._

_I squeeze back. “Let’s begin. I’ll make a dancer of you yet.”_

\--

I lay back onto the bed slowly as the music drifts over me. I can feel the ghost of her as Kess’ gentle laughter starts the tears all over again.

_“Poe, I don’t want to stand on your feet, I’ll hurt you!”_

_“Don’t worry about me, Kess, you can’t hurt me.”_

_“Poe, you-“_

There’s a series of sharp knocks on the door.

Finn’s voice is faint through the metal, “Poe, I know you’re in there. It’s me, open up!”

The hint of urgency in his voice has me immediately on my feet. _Please don’t let the First Order be on its way. I don’t think I have the strength._ The door slides open with a clang. The fear loosens its grip on my heart when I see the massive smile on his face.

“She’s alive, Poe! Kess is alive!”

…

I grab Finn by the shoulders to stay upright. My head is filled with white noise and my mouth won’t work.

“I was in the medical wing with Rey and Dr Tsuana, you know her, she asked me-“  
  
I cut him off by shaking him. “You’re sure? Finn, are you sure? Because I can’t- If she’s not- I…“ My voice trembles and trails off.

Steadily, Finn cradles my face so I’m forced to look him in the eye and nods.

“I saw her with my own eyes, Poe. She’s unconscious but is going to be alright. Poe, Kess is **alive**!”

It takes a couple of seconds to properly compute, to sink in, and for my heart to tentatively accept it.

_Alive?_

**_Alive._ **

Shaking Finn off, I start running. I don’t care that I’m barefoot, all that matters is that Kess is alive. I can hear Finn yelling behind me but I’m not waiting. The people that see me coming jump out of the way and shout out questions as I run past. The ones that don’t are pulled out of the way by their friends. Finn is offering answers and excuses in my trail of disorder but I’ll deal with the consequences later. I push through the medical wing door with a slam.

I shout at the nearest orderly, “Where is Kessandra James?!”

He meekly points down the corridor and I’m off again. As I round the corner, a hand grabs my wrist and I turn to see Dr Tsuana.

Her tone is measured, “She’s just down here. You need to slow down, General, this is no place to run…Follow me.”

Despite every instinct telling me to _go_ , I fall into pace beside her. She slowly (so **damn slowly** ) walks down the passage until reaching a non-descript door.

“Don’t wake her, Dameron.” Dr Tsuana turns away.

My heart’s racing but I suddenly find that I’m nervous to open the door. There is this heavy fear in my stomach that there’s been a mistake, that I’ll open the door and someone who’s not Kess will be there. To lose her once was one thing, but twice… I push away the thought and open the door.


	4. You're alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for coming back after so long. It took me far longer than I’d imagined to remember how to write again. 
> 
> There’s gonna be another part simply because this ended up being so long lol. I’ve written like 80% of the final part so that should be up pretty soon.

_Everything damn fucking hurts._

It’s my first coherent thought to rise from the white noise. Stars, I simultaneously need to puke and eat a whole battalion’s worth of rations. I don’t move yet, but allow the pain throughout my body to pulse and subside.

_Why do I hurt so much?_

I backpaddle through the haze. Exegol…Lightning…Crash…

_Ah, yes. Breaking a 5-metre fall with your ribs does that._

The rest is a blank.

There’s a shout in the distance. Although it’s distant, the voice is somehow familiar, and I open my eyes. I’m greeted by the sterile whites of a med room and a flicker of fear blossoms in my chest.

_Shit, was I captured?_

I quickly look to my wrists for restraints but find nothing. The fear begins to dissolve, but I still have no clue where I am. I hear feet outside the room and attempt to sit u-

“Fuck!” The word bites but is barely audible.

I freeze for a second as I allow my body to air its grievances. Slower, I try again and manage to prop myself up against the pillows. The static is starting to clear, thank the Maker, but my memory is not returning. _I guess I’ll just have to wait until someone turns up._

A woman speaks just outside the door, “Don’t wake her, Dameron.”

_..._

_…He’s alive._

The door opens far too slowly to reveal a bare-foot and out of breath Poe. The sight of him clears the rest of the haze while a bright feeling bubbles its way through my chest.

We speak at the same time.

“You’re here.” I am elated that we have both survived Exegol, against the odds.

“You’re alive.” Poe’s voice, however, is barely a whisper, and his face is haunted.

He stands motionless in the doorway as I look at him puzzled.

“Of course, I am. You think a little fall could kill me?” I joke.

Poe still doesn’t move but simply repeats himself.

“Kess, you’re alive,” his voice is scratchy, like he’s been crying.

A chord of worry pulls in my chest, and all I want is to spring out of bed and wrap myself around him. Given the radiating pain still lingering in my chest, I go for the next thing.

I slowly reach out my hand towards him. “Poe? What’s wrong?”

He’s suddenly in motion. Poe takes my hand between his palms and sinks into the chair beside the bed all the while never taking his gaze from my face. As we stare at each other for a moment, I realise that he has been crying and my brow scrunches up in concern.

Gingerly, I place my other hand on his cheek and quietly ask, “Poe, tell me. What happened?”

Poe takes a deep breath and leans into my palm before lowering his gaze to our intertwined hands.

“I watched your X-wing explode into a thousand pieces with no sign of a parachute…Kess, we all thought you were dead,” he says quietly.

A metallic taste, like blood, settles in my mouth as the news of my apparent death sinks in. I want to respond but my tongue has gone dead in my mouth. I simply can’t find the words, so I squeeze his clasped hands and wait for him to continue. Multiple breaths pass before Poe’s ready to continue.

“I- I thought you were dead. I thought that after everything, we had won only for me to lose everything…for me to lose you.”

Poe leans forward to set his elbows on the bed and bring his forehead to rest upon our hands, as if in prayer. It’s only as I notice his hot tears trailing down our fingers that I realise that my eyes are stinging.

“And Kess,” his voice cracks at my name, “It was unbearable. I wanted- I wanted to burn down the entire First Order for daring to even touch you.”

I see Poe’s jaw clench and can feel the shiver of his hands against my skin. Again, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him but still, I let him finish.

Poe’s voice shakes, “But afterwards, when we returned in triumph, it became so much worse. Because I had let you go. Because it all meant nothing without you. Because I had failed you.”

We sit in silence for a moment as the weight of his words sink in. My tears finally fall and something like guilt is throbbing against my sternum. Thank the Maker, at least this time I know what to say. I bring the hand that had drifted to Poe’s shoulder up to his chin and make him lift his head to meet my eyes.

“Never,” I say, “in all the time that I have known you, Poe Dameron, have you ever failed me. Never. Do you understand me?”

He just shuts his eyes.

I speak again, more sternly, “Never, Poe, do you hear me?”

Poe doesn’t respond, but nods slightly.

“I’m sorry things turned out the way they did, but look at me, Poe. I’m still here.”

Poe just grasps my hand tighter.

I brush away the few tears that still cling to his face. “Poe.”

He finally opens his eyes and I whisper out the words, “I’m still here.”

Poe smiles slightly and the world feels a little bit more right. We sit in silence for a while, just gazing at each other, before a question arises out of something he’s said.

“Wait, so did we win? Did we take out the fleet?” I say.

Poe looks at me in confusion, “You don’t remember?”

I shrug, “I remember an explosion that blew out my chute, and then hitting the ground hard. The rest is black. I don’t know how I got here.”

He shakes his head in surprise and disbelief for a second. Poe then releases my hand in order to cradle my face between his palms. His face is covered in the hugest grin.

Out of instinct, I smile slightly back, “What? What is it?”

“Yeah, we took out the Exegol fleet. And the whole First Order… Kessandra, we won the war.”

I’m dumbfounded.

I open my mouth, but my lips form silent words and nothing come out. Poe continues to smile but also raises a single finger to the air, asking me to pause. I just stare back at him as he tilts his head slightly towards the door.

“Can you hear the music?” Poe whispers, and I turn my attention beyond the quiet of the med wing.

Faintly, but clearly, the song of strings and the low beating of drums can just be heard. Above them both, a muted chorus of singing, clapping, and laughter finds its way to us. In that second, it truly sinks in.

_We won?_

I clap a hand to my mouth and Poe excitedly nods in response.

“The war is over, Kess. We won.”

In spite of the pain that still loiters in my chest, I throw my arms around him and bury my face in his neck. He hugs me back and laughs quietly as he holds me. We sit, intertwined, as I try to understand what has happened. The thoughts keep spinning and whirling through my head as I struggle to fully comprehend what they mean. Suddenly, two things become crystal clear to me.

  1. I don’t want to leave Poe’s side ever again.
  2. I need to get out of this room.



“Let’s get out of here.”

Poe pulls back in order to look me in the face.

A snort slips out of his mouth, “You’re serious?”

I roll my eyes. “Of course I am. If we just won the war, then I’m not staying in this room a moment longer.”

A twinge of concern appears on Poe’s face. “Kess, you’re injured. You need to rest.”

I lightly push him back and go to push the blanket back before pausing. Subtly, I check something. _Ah yes, I’m wearing pants. Good first step._

Poe places a hand on my shoulder before I can try to move again and looks at me seriously.

I place a hand over his, but don’t back down. “This is a night that will go down in history. I’m not missing it for a few cracked ribs.”

He looks close to relenting but not quite convinced, so I smile and speak softly, “I’ll be alright, Poe. You’ll pick me up if I fall, right?”

I can see the smile in his eyes, and I know that it’s going to be fine. With every passing breath, I feel a little more like myself and so, I do what comes naturally: order Poe around.

“Alright, you go find us some shoes while I get up. Also, don’t let the nurse-bots see you, you remember how that went last time we tried to sneak out.” I laugh as he sits back slightly and rolls his eyes.

Poe stands and gives a mock salute. “Yes, right away, boss.”

I watch with a smile as he disappears out the door. Slowly, I begin the process of pushing back the blankets and placing my feet on the ground. Thankfully, although my whole body is aching, only my ribs are really giving me grief. Sure, everything’s going to hurt like I’ve been run over by a tank tomorrow, but that’s not my problem right now. I lightly stretch as I better survey the extent of the damage.

“You look about ready to run a marathon,” Poe’s voice is gently mocking as he closes the door behind him.

“You know, if there was something in reach, I’d be pegging it at your head right about now.”

“If you’re dealing out threats like that, maybe I should keep the shoes.”

“Would you just shut up and get over here and help me.”

“Anything for my favourite girl.”

I roll my eyes at the endearment, but it blossoms a warm but equally longing glow inside my chest. Poe sits at the chair and gently pulls one of my feet into his lap. I stare at him in comfortable silence as he tenderly puts my shoes on. For a couple of breaths after, we sit like this with his hands resting on my calves before Poe evidently remembers our plan.

With a shake of his head, he slowly places my feet on the ground before standing. “C’mon party animal, isn’t there somewhere we’re supposed to be?”

Poe extends his hands as an anchor, which I use to pull myself to standing. I sway slightly, and quickly one of Poe’s hands goes to my hip to steady me. In one way it works, and the horizon stops moving. On the other hand, my knees feel a little bit weaker, and I might be blushing. Ignoring the heat in my cheeks, I nod my head to signal that I’m ready. Poe releases my hand and steps so that he’s standing beside me. In the process of doing this, the hand steadying me draws a caressing line across the small of my back in order to rest upon the other side of my hip. _Shit, I’m definitely blushing now._ I glance at Poe and see that he’s grinning back at me. _He did that on purpose. Jackass._ Nonetheless, the pressures of his hands are more than welcome as Poe drapes my closest arm across his shoulders.

“You comfy, Kess?” His tone is teasing.

I shake my head in joke annoyance. “Shut up, let’s go.”


End file.
